Confessions of an Ex-Clergy Member

Confessions of an Ex-Clergy Member
By David D. Flowers, free-lance writer & blogger
The Woodlands, TX

Confessions of an Ex-Clergy Member first began in response to many things that were being said by “house church” promoters against the institutional church through various forms of media. I felt compelled to respond from the perspective of one who spent seven years in vocational ministry. The posts evolved into an account of my own journey out of the institutional church. I have formed them into one solid testimony and challenge to all those who seek change in the church and those who are presently gathering in homes.

Introduction
The first twenty-five years of my life, which is almost my entire life, was spent participating in this religious system. My formal education was intended preparation for a career in vocational ministry. After leaving this system, I have had many difficulties. Not only have I experienced the difficulty in finding work, I have had to rethink everything I have ever believed and taught. I am young, but I do feel that my experience qualifies me to speak a few words concerning those who speak harshly against the institutional church and its leaders.

My readers must understand that I no longer participate in the organized church and I am in no way defending its practices. I simply wish to speak from an insider’s perspective to those who believe the clergy to be entirely egocentric and self-consumed.

It is easy for those who have not worked alongside other clergy members to say things that they don’t know from personal experience. I have little respect for the opinions of others when they speak for or against things they have no point of reference with; when they are angry and looking for someone to place all blame and frustration. To all those who believe institutional pastors are knowingly leading people astray and convey this by their cruel speech… this encouraging word is for you. 


I would like to first begin by addressing those who would have you believe the idea that all (or most) clergy members are self-centered, power-hungry, egotistical, tyrants only interested in seeing to it that the people stay in bondage so that the elite class of the clergy may rule supreme. Following these challenging thoughts, I want to share my own personal story as to how I came out of the institutional church into a renewed Christology that is presently birthing a hopeful journey apart from religious Christianity.

In Perspective
Are all clergy members truth seeking lovers of God? Absolutely not. The accusations must have been based on some level of truth… of course. There are militant, power seeking pastors within the clergy of the religious system. I have seen them and you have too. I could name them and you could as well.

These men are only concerned about status. They see their present ministry as one more step up the ladder to the “What’s Happening Now Church!” Their agenda is no secret. They care not for the feelings of the people under them and they will do anything to see to it that their kingdom come in the name of Jesus.

These men will stop at nothing to see their will be done. They are the ones who have the “pulpit” voice. Get them away from the pulpit and they are rude and care only for those in their inner circle. These men do not care for the voice of the people. They use the Scripture to teach restraint, bondage, and law… not speaking messages of truth that sets men free. They boast in the work of their hands and use the outward signs of religion as God’s approval. These clergy members always feel that they are underpaid and unappreciated. They make sure their image is clean, but they manipulate and deceive in the secret place. These men only fool the naïve. Among those who truly walk with the Lord… the truth is plain.

I could go on with my description of these men. I believe you get the picture. At this point, I would like to bring a different thought to mind. Could it be that these men have been encouraged to act this way in the religious system? Yes, they are responsible for their actions, but the system makes it very easy for them to continue this course of action. In fact, the system is a breeding ground for “power-over” leadership. If we want to point fingers, can all the blame really be placed on the clergy? What about the people who support the system that places unbiblical responsibility on one man? The laity by far outnumbers the clergy. Are we now jumping off cliffs because Pastor Jones would never lead us astray?

My bet is you supported that system at some point in your life. You continued to pay the man who you now believe to be “out of God’s will.” You too were deceived into thinking it was your duty… that this is how it is supposed to be done. Had you known any different, you would not have been in the institutional structure of the church. Praise the Lord that you were given light! Shouldn’t we consider that if the Lord gave the clergy the same light that they would leave it too?

Those that see the light and still continue in their sin truly prove themselves to be lovers of themselves and oppressors of men.

What may be worse than cruel speech by those who once participated in this system… is cruel speech by those who never participated in it and know nothing personally of its power and influence.

Are you going to point fingers and speak so correctively to an alcoholic having never been one? Who are you to do so? Yes, you can speak of the power that you see from the outside. You can observe and draw conclusions. But, you have no authority to so boldly condemn the man who is trapped in his disease.

I have a friend who turned to homosexuality many years ago. Another close brother in the Lord said, “We don’t know what he is going through, nor do we want to know. But one thing that is for certain… it is real.” We all have been given the authority to proclaim the Word in power, but none of us have been given the authority to condemn men. When we do this, we are no different than the ones we accuse. Man reveals his pathetic state in this. He reflects his old life and his old thinking. The answer is in remembering who we were and what we now are becoming. Only then will our actions be edifying to the Body… even the Body that is held captive by religion.



You may be thinking, “What is this guy’s problem?” My concern should be obvious. I was one of these men that some of you describe as “lovers of themselves.” I was a part of those you accuse and I know that I desperately longed for Christ to be manifested in his Body. Most of the ministers I encountered truly loved the Lord and believed they were following his leading. I prayed with these men, cried with these men, and struggled to discover, “How can we see the Holy Spirit fall on his church?”

Shouldn’t our hearts break instead of being ignited with anger? We looked everywhere, tried everything… nothing worked. We were brought up in a system that our fathers did not question. When the walls in your house our concrete and labeled “biblical”… you do not think to tear them down and adopt a new floor plan!

No man has the right to label all clergy members as evil men bent on oppressing the people. Brothers and sisters in Christ, how can we behave this way? We have all embraced contradictions and inconsistencies.  You will not find an open heart by pointing fingers and accusing other brothers of loving themselves and not the Lord.

The only way we will see a revolution to the heart of God and his will for the church… is to focus on the person and the work of Christ. It will not be found in debating the system. We must go to the heart of our faith: Christ Jesus our Lord!

Anyone who points a gun at your flesh and says, “Guilty!” is bound to see a reaction from the flesh. It’s no wonder why we see explosions from the flesh of the clergy when they are presented so carelessly with this hard truth. They hear more of the system than they do of Jesus.

Let’s not contribute to the building up of more walls. If the truth is going to be heard… it will be in presenting Christ and him crucified. We must pray that “clergy-laity” alike will stand up and boldly proclaim their newfound vision of Christ! We are all learners. May we continue to remember that it is only by the grace of God that we have been given this glorious and wonderful light.

Jesus and the Religious Leader
Before I go any further with my insider’s perspective to the clergy of the religious system, I would like to make myself very clear. I am not denying the fact that the system is all wrong and that it should be done away with. When I speak of “clergy,” I refer to the men who participate in this unbiblical chain of authority, not the system. I am trying to help my readers see the distinction between the men and the system. It is for these men that we should be willing to patiently pray and ask ourselves, “What is the most effective way to reach these religious leaders?”

We must be able to hate the religious system and love the men who need to hear the truth. Many may cling to their job security when confronted with this truth. Naturally, this is to be expected when someone is presented with the truth about Christ and his Bride set free. Will their come a time to rebuke some of these men who call themselves “the clergy?”  Possibly, but we should not rush in like fools at the sight of a clergy member. Jesus left us with several examples when dealing with a religious leader (e.g. Matt. 12:22-28; 15:1-20; 22:23-33; Mk. 10:1-12; 11:27-33). I believe if you will pay careful attention to these examples, you will find that Jesus chose his moments wisely and purposely.

There were always people around when Jesus gave a strong rebuke. The rebuke may be viewed as being more productive for the people listening than it ever was for the religious leader. When Jesus was meeting in private with these men he was firm, but his presentation was much different (Lk. 14:1-14; Jn. 3:1-21). He loved them and took time to have real conversations when they invited him in their homes and were willing to listen.

So, why would Jesus strongly rebuke them in public but change his tone in private? The religious leaders were public figures. The Lord zealously proclaimed the truth when the people were around. Also, these men were always trying to trap Jesus, and like the devil, use the Scripture against him. They were attempting to prove to the people that Jesus was a fraud. We have to believe that his motherly instincts came out of him at this point. He longed to gather these people all together as a mother hen does her chicks (Matt. 23:37).

The strong rebuke served the purpose of bringing the people into the light. A strong rebuke in private would only appear to be a fleshly display of arrogance and pride to these religious men and serve little to no purpose. 

Rebukes are always for the edification of the one being rebuked, of course, but even more so for those who witness the rebuke. I believe you will find this explanation biblically sound (e.g. Matt. 18:15-20; 1 Cor. 5:1-5; Tit. 1:13). Jesus even rebuked his own disciples publicly (Matt. 16:21-24; Rev. 3:19).

Some folks like to point out passages of Jesus scolding the religious leaders as if this was something unique to them. I believe a closer reading of the Gospel according to Mark will show that Jesus did not speak much differently to his own disciples. His words were just as “harsh” to his own. The only difference is that his disciples did not have a reputation and a wall of religious pride to cross in order to hear the truth and respond to it. 

The walls are much thicker with those who have been put in authority by their congregations. You should not expect such a quick surrender of the will. It would be wishful thinking to believe these religious leaders would quickly say with Peter, “Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man!” (Lk. 5:8) Wishful thinking indeed.

My Story
I remember when I read my first book on church restoration several years ago. I can still recall slamming down the book, “Rethinking the Wineskin” by Frank Viola, on the coffee table. I was exposed to truth I had never heard before and I was losing the battle to defend my previous understandings of Christ and the church. But I didn’t mind so much because the Lord had brought me to a place of complete and total dissatisfaction with the church I was seeing. I had surrendered everything in my mind and heart. I was willing for the Lord to speak whatever he wanted to speak. As long as I could be convinced by the Scripture… I told the Lord, “I will go where you send me.”



The most difficult thing for me was probably the money. That sounds bad… but it wasn’t because I was getting rich. It was simply because I had spent 6-7 years investing and preparing for something that I was now considering laying aside for something I knew very little about. I had a degree in Religion that didn’t do me a lot of good outside the institutional church. I had no other trade really and I had no idea what I was going to do. I had school debt to remind me of this harsh reality. Once the Lord revealed to me the truth about himself and his Bride, my question then was, “Now what Lord?” I had to trust the Lord and believe that he would truly work it all out for his good. I’m still believing that this very hour. He is not left me yet.

I must say that my illumination did not begin with Viola’s book. It began 8 years ago when I entered into “vocational” ministry. The Lord slowly was growing me and opening my eyes up to the truth of himself. This is where it begins… with Christ! It does not begin in the critiquing of the church. I didn’t understand what the Lord was doing until now. He was showing me a greater vision of his Son. It was with Christ that he began the revolution in my heart.



Things took a drastic turn in 2005 when I graduated and was able to give even more time to preparation of my teachings. This is when I began seeing a major difference in the Christ I was conditioned to see growing up and the Christ that lived in first-century Palestine.

I was moved by a new reading of the Sermon on the Mount. The Lord began showing me that he is more radical in his person and work than I had ever been told. I was connecting my faith to the radical faith of those whom I read about in the book of Acts. I was fascinated with the martyrs… especially the Anabaptists.

In the past, I had not truly seen the radical message of Jesus as opposing every social, political, economic, and religious idea of his day. There was always sort of a disconnect between theology and living until the Lord began bringing the two together.
 But who wants to admit that every time you pick up the New Testament you can’t see its application to pop-culture Christianity? What was I supposed to do? I just thought it was boring and foreign because I was just a pitiful scum sinner.

Well, as you can imagine, the Gospel took on a whole new meaning with a fresh new reading of Jesus in context. I began teaching this radical new understanding of Jesus and his Gospel of the Kingdom in the context of our modern-day Empire. Long story short… I then began to feel the effects brought on by the real faith of Jesus of Nazareth. If there was a cliff nearby and it had been legal… I would have been thrown off of it!

After I resigned from my last clerical position in September 06, the first book I read before reading any of the books on church renewal… was “The Normal Christian Life” by Watchman Nee. This book deals with our identity in Christ. It addresses the Person and work of Christ. It ended up being for me the end of my search for seeing Jesus rightly, and a new beginning in knowing “the power of his resurrection.” I began to discover the “indwelling” Christ and understand my identity in the finished work of Jesus.

Before, like a good Protestant, I had learned the reformed view of Christology and Soteriology. I like the way an Anabaptist historian puts it, “The Anabaptists walked in the resurrection, while the Reformers rested in grace.” My readings of radical discipleship and the Kingdom of God culminated into a major breakthrough for me: The realization of the centrality and supremacy of the Lord Jesus Christ!



I was finally able to begin breaking free from guilt and condemnation. I learned that Jesus has done and will continue doing all the things written in the Scripture. I found that Christianity was more than empty clichés to warm the heart when I felt like a poor wretch. By the power of the indwelling Christ… I could experience the life shared among those early believers who displayed the marks of Jesus on their bodies.

Give Them Christ!
Until a clergy member catches this new vision of Christ… he will not see the Bride as she was created to be. You can just forget talking to them about the religious system. Not only do I think your efforts will be futile, I don’t believe God will honor it. You do not want people coming to a new “emerging” understanding of the church… you want them first to see Christ in all his glory and splendor.

If men claim to know Christ, the author and finisher of our faith, then speak to them about Christ. Christ is the key to understanding, wisdom, and light! The Holy Spirit directs people to Christ. It is through Christ that the people will see what the church is to be. If you miss this important step… you will only be herding people into homes to follow a method instead of the Man. I do not believe this is the way it must be done because it is the way I came. The answer is not a relative one. The answer is biblically universal. Christ is the open door! Besides, you can’t expect anyone to find answers when they don’t see the problems. As Spock would say, “It is just not logical Captain.”



Again, the starting point is with Christ. Is the religious system wrong?  I believe so… and church history proves this deviation from N.T. church practice. Yet, this fact should be secondary to Christ. Another words, if anyone leaves the institutional church, it first ought to be because the Christ presented there is not the complete Christ of the Word. It is a Christ colored by denomination, culture, and man-power.

The true Christ will never be fully seen within the religious systems of man. Why? Because… Christ opposes the system! Once we recognize this, we don’t have to try so hard. He will accomplish much more than we ever could. He told us this, “I will draw all men unto myself.” (Jn. 12:32) Interesting, he did not say, “You will draw all men unto me.”



A clear vision of Christ will condemn the system. The reason that Christ is not fully seen within the institutional church is because his Person and work would show the system for what it is. The system must revise their version of Christ to coincide with their beliefs and actions. Without this revision… the institution could not stand.

Can’t you see my friends? What is greater than the fallacy of this manipulative man-centered religious system is the fact that the real Christ is not welcome there. Christ must be our primary reason in speaking against this horrible oppressive system of man that grips the Body within it. If Christ is not our reason… then we will find ourselves going down a path of self-righteousness and elitism focused on the secondary issue claiming it is all for the first priority. It would be leaving one kind of bondage only to enter into another. 



I don’t know if many clergy members will come to the place I did. Only the Lord knows the condition of each man’s heart and if he really seeks Truth in order to conform his life to it. That is the Lord’s business, not mine. My business is proclaiming the truth in love by word and deed to all those the Lord brings into my influence. The Lord said that his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

I have had to come to a place where this becomes a reality. This required me to give up my family and friends in the “ministry.” I had to come to a place where I realized there is nothing I can do. I kept thinking, “I must do something.” The Lord said, “You can do nothing.”

Each person is on his or her own journey with the Lord. Who knows if the Lord will decide to cut across a pasture tomorrow and save 10 years of their life from running in the wrong direction? He can help them learn the truth today and cease their own pursuits of success within religion tomorrow. He can do it. We must believe that. He did it for us. He can do it for them. We must give them Christ. And we can’t give something we ourselves have yet to apprehend in spirit.

Finally, I confess that I have made many mistakes on this journey. But I do believe I have learned a great deal over the last few years. Church life is not born out of following a method or unnaturally talking about what to “do” when the church gathers. It only comes through an intimate relationship with the Christ of the Word. Church life gathered around Christ will naturally produce the community for which we were created. Our faith is not Churchianity, but Christianity. Let’s fix our eyes on Christ!



“The church is measured by Christ: more Christ, more church; less Christ, less church.” 

T. Austin Sparks

Conclusion-The Centrality and Supremacy of Jesus Christ
It has been almost three years now that my wife and I have ventured off into uncharted territory with the Lord. I must say… Christ has been faithful. He has provided our every need and so much more. We are blessed with great jobs, wonderful friends, and a Christ-centered church fellowship.

The last two years have been a tremendous time of rest from the many trials we endured over the previous few years. For the first time in our lives… there is little to no burden of religion upon our lives. It is in this time now… that Christ is purging me of my old pursuits. The Lord has been setting me free from religion’s chains. He has been working in me the natural faith of Christ.

What is the natural faith of Christ? It is life born out of being instead of doing. Christ’s life is burden free! He said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11:30) Be careful that this verse has not fallen on deaf ears or become cliché to you. If your faith is causing you anger, frustration, disappointment, depression, burnout, or suicidal thoughts even… this is not Christ’s life. You are not being Christ. You are not drawing life from his Spirit within you. Instead, you are doing things, which you intend for Christ, out of the mortal “fleshly” life you have apart from the eternal Christ. I call these works born of the flesh… religion!

Religion is nothing more than outward works of the flesh that temporarily satisfy the soul, but ultimately lead to an empty riverbed of hopelessness. We need to see that there is no way our Lord is pleased in this selfish life. This life eventually is depleted along with physiological strength. Obviously, life that is born of flesh will end in a fleshly grave. However, life that is born of the Spirit leads to real Christ-fruit and treasures stored up in heaven. It is this kind of life that is able to endure the cross.

Christ lived so that you can live. Paul said, “I no longer live, but it is Christ living in me.” (Gal. 2:20) We must draw from this life. This comes in time and through trial and tribulation. We learn “to live is Christ”, as Paul said… so that we may experience the gain of dying.

In this case, we are to recognize that the flesh (i.e. old unregenerate man) has been crucified with Christ! Yes… temptation, and fleshly desires, and pursuits are still very much real. However, Christ’s life has defeated this power so that we may now choose his life that brings freedom. The Christian life is Christ’s life. Until we commit to learning this… we have not truly chosen the road of discipleship.

My present struggles are tied to this. I personally need the Lord to show me his true nature after I have walked in the flesh for a spell. It is almost as if I didn’t even realize I was doing so… but looking back… I know that I simply was not being mindful of Christ. This is why Paul said,

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” Paul, (Col. 3:1-3)

I gratify the flesh because I am not walking in step with the Spirit. (Gal. 5:16) I make matters worse by supposing that the Lord wants me to feel condemnation for my failure. Yet, I know this comes from the evil one. The Lord is on my side. He is for me indeed! He desires that I might walk in his life more and more. And instead of him feeling disappointed in me… his thoughts are fully set on me knowing the power of his resurrection! Christ and all of heaven cheers for me. For the Lord knows that his life is within me and that it is produced in every season that I face. This is the reason we are told to rejoice in all things. For in all things… Christ is there.

We must learn from Christ. All questions and concerns regarding our lives (i.e. family, work, play, etc.) and his church… are resolved in knowing him. There is nothing… and I mean nothing… that you should be pursuing besides Christ. Do you have a problem? Are you filled with many questions and very few answers? Are you trying to jump start your faith with 12 steps and “purpose-driven” products that are void of the centrality and supremacy of Christ? Maybe you are wondering what it’s going to take to see revolution blow through the church. Maybe you’re just trying to figure out what the Lord wants with you. Whatever the problem… Christ is the answer. Whatever the disease… Christ is the cure.

OK, you may be thinking, “I don’t even know what that means.” If any of you are left longing to understand how Christ can be the answer to all of our problems… then set your sights to learning from him. Learn of Christ through the Scriptures… learn of him through experience… learn of him through song… learn of him through trials… learn of him through study… learn of him through sorrow… learn of him through prayer… learn of him through community… learn of him through marriage… learn of him through work… learn of him through learning… learn of him in it all! Place all other pursuits aside. Let him be your one and only passion. Learn of the school of Christ. And this will equip you for every good work.

I pursued other passions in the past (e.g. teaching, writing, education, ministry, etc.) and I found that my heart was in the wrong place. I pursued these things instead of Christ.

“God shows us that our power is not a thing; it is simply Christ. Our power is not the strength to do things; rather, it is a Person. It is Christ who manifests himself in us, instead of our using Christ to display our good works.”
Watchman Nee

It was a hard thing to admit. Do I desire to replace Christ with a thing? By no means! Yet, this very thing became obvious to me. I found myself wanting and longing for everything but Christ and him alone. My life was a mixture of Christ’s life and works done in the flesh. My heart desired notoriety and a piece of fame. I had my way mapped out. I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get there. And the Lord interrupted my “passions” and held a mirror up to all the things I was pursuing outside of him. I was confronted with a question.

“Is it to some thing that I am devoted, or is it to secure for the Lord Jesus Christ His absolute centrality and supremacy?”
T. Austin Sparks

How long will we try to convince ourselves that it is Christ that we seek in all these things of men? When will we realize that Christ’s life is not found in things? The Spirit within us is reaching out for all things Christ! Yet, we attempt again and again to fill it with programs, passions, ministries, and movements. Will our purpose be something else besides knowing the power of the resurrection in Christ Jesus our Lord? Will we use up all of our mortal days attempting to fill our lives with dead things? Only Christ is living!

Therefore, those things, which are not born from the natural living faith of Christ, are born from the flesh and will only produce dead cold religion. Other religious people may admire you for these religious works done in the flesh, but the Holy Spirit is grieved. For he knows that you will only be satisfied in Christ.

The Apostle Paul’s purpose was not tent-making! It also wasn’t being a good itinerant worker and church planter. He writes of his purpose and leaves us with an example to follow.

“My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” Paul, Colossians 2:2,3

May our Christ not be “ill-defined”… but may he come to full expression in our lives. Let your Christianity be more than mere acceptance of forgiveness of sin and works of men. Let us walk in the power of the resurrected Christ! Let us take serious his example given to us in the Gospels. Too many have stopped short of this life.

I am convinced… if we are ever going to experience the life of Christ and enjoy the Spirit he has placed within us… if we are ever going to see his Bride fully prepared for the wedding banquet of the ages… we must press on to everything Christ!

When we are beginning to learn of the person and work of Christ through being Christ in all things and in every situation… his works will then naturally flow from our lives. Works born of his Spirit will spring forth from the well that never runs dry. May we allow the Lord to break our will for the release of his mighty Spirit of life through our earthly tabernacles. May we find the way of the cross a most satisfying death to embrace. For out of this death will come Christ’s life.

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2

 

* This article was first posted 11/8/08 at http://www.housechurchresource.org under the Ex-Pastors Section.  It has been recently updated and revised here for your reading.

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~ by David D. Flowers on March 26, 2009.